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Keri M, a marathoner in her 50s, knew the race would be terrible.

This feeling couldn’t be chalked up to inexperience. Keri, who asked us to omit her full name due to the sensitive subject matter, has completed dozens of half marathons and four full marathons.

In her new book, Envy, Stacy Kim explains how to understand the feeling, identify your deeper desires and use them to achieve your goals

In the 16th-century poem The Faerie Queene, envy is a ghoulish figure riding a ravenous wolf, sad to see the fortune of others and “wonderous glad” of their hardship. It’s not a flattering depiction; better to be thankful for what we have, rather than dwell on such a bitter and self-destructive feeling, right?

Maybe not. “I think that when we don’t examine our envy, that’s when it leads us astray,” says Dr Stacy Kim, social scientist, life coach and author of the new book Envy: Why Wanting What They Have is the Key to Getting What You Want. Kim wrote the book after seeing the way envy came up for her coaching clients and reflecting on the role it had in her own life. The book is informed by social science and philosophy research, as well as her personal and professional experiences.

Similar target: “You remind yourself: ‘Hey, the reason why I’m feeling this envy is because what I want is within my reach,’” she says.

Intangible desire, as mentioned above

Relevant comparison: Identify which specific domain – something you care about or already participate in – is relevant to your desires

Negative emotion: How long does it last? How intense is the message it’s sending? This tells us how important the feeling is.

Envy by Stacy S. Kim is out now. To support the Guardian, order your copy of the UK edition at guardianbookshop.com. Delivery charges may apply.

The process included a gala featuring medical students doing aerial yoga and singing Taylor Swift to donors’ families. In some ways, it was absolutely perfect

When my mother, Erin O’Connell, was diagnosed with a rare and aggressive cancer in late 2022, one of her first thoughts was: “What will I do if I can’t work?”

At the time, she was 62 years old and working as a physical therapist in Portland, Oregon, where she had recently moved to live closer to me and my family. Reluctantly, she filed for short-term disability from her job and paused her training to become a volunteer search and rescue EMT.